


How Patricia Parker's life got even weirder. (Or, something like that.)

by Lilihime



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, Marvel, Spider-Man - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Just Gals Bein' Pals, Or soon to be pals, Slow Build, Spectrumbent, tags to be added as chapters go up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4420751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilihime/pseuds/Lilihime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"W...what? How...how are you here. Why are we here...Why are you-" A pit formed in her stomach as she raised her hand to her face and her worst fear was realized. She didn't have her mask on.<br/>-<br/>When Deadpool accidentally finds out Spider-woman's identity, Patricia learns that being sold out might have been the preferable option when Wanda decides that they are, indeed, going to be bffsies. </p><p>Ratings will go up as chapters are added!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The not so great accident.

"Okay, don't freak out." 

What? Patricia sat up on the couch in her apartment, all she could remember was them being at the base of a weird villain-y evil scientist they had been tailing (He was making a serum that provided you with temporary super human strength. Regular villain-y thing that needed to be destroyed) There was a ticking sound, her spider senses going off, then an explosion and blackness. 

She tried not to think about how bad it hurt to sit up right now, she could feel burns through her....shirt? Wait. Her eyes darted around the room. Her couch? Her apartment? What?! Deadpool's warning was making sense now. 

"W...what? How...how are you here. Why are we here...Why are you-" A pit formed in her stomach as she raised her hand to her face and her worst fear was realized. She didn't have her mask on.

The onset of anxiety was quick and overwhelming, she felt like she was going to throw up. 

Her actions were fast, she ignored the pain as the adrenaline ran though her system. She landed a punch on Wanda's cheek. The hit Surprising the other enough that Patricia was able to knock her to the ground, straddling her as she pinned her arms down. 

"Okay, can't say I saw that coming. Whoever said a kiss with a fist is better than none was dead w-r-o-n-g. This position is pretty nice tho-" 

"Shut the fuck up, Wanda!" Her voice broke and Wanda did shut up, obviously Pat was in no mood to joke.

There were a few moments of silence. 

"Patricia, ple-"

"Oh god, you know my name too?!" She was on the brink of tears at this point and it made Wanda feel like shit. 

Okay, forget brink. She was full on about to sob right now. 

[Good job, use her real name while shes obviously freaking out]  
(We fucked up. Super gals never out fellow super gals.)  
'I thought it would snap her out of it!'  
"Hey! Hey! No, please! I promise I'm not going to tell anyone! Please don't cry. Please, I promise no one could afford the amount it would take for me to sell you out....Because it's non existent! Seriously I-" Patricia covered her mouth, only using one hand to hold her arms down now. 

Everything hurt so bad, externally and internally. Her head was spinning. The /avengers/ didn't even know who she was and she kept it that way for a strict reason. 

And now Wanda of all people knew? What was going to happen to Aunt May? Gwen? Harriet? All the people she had fought so long and hard, was so careful about her identity to protect. Was it all down the drain now? Why did she have to fuck up this. She should have never worked with Deadpool. This was her fault. 

Her expression was deadly, even through the tears as she glared down at Wanda. 

'What do we do to make this better?'  
[Explaining would be a good idea.]  
(White has a point, explaining would be good.)  
'It's kind of hard to do that with our mouth covered.'

"Mplease mppeh mpmeee explmmplain." She spoke through her hand and Patricia only pressed down harder. 

"Shut. Up." What was she going to do? Should she call S.H.E.I.L.D? Let them know what was going on? No. She would have to reveal herself to them before they could do anything. Fuck!

She sniffed, her face was already so hot she couldn't feel the difference in temperature as tears ran down it too. She felt like she couldn't breath, the memories of anxiety attacks she used to get when she was younger came back full force. She couldn't do this. She couldn't. 

Wanda took advantage of the situation when she saw Patricia look distracted, breaking free of her grip and grabbing her waist, throwing her off of her. Hard. She felt bad when Patricia hit the couch and cried out in pain. Wanda didn't let that stop her though as she quickly got off the floor, drawing one of the katana's from the sheathings on her back and pointing it at the hero. 

"Look, you're only going to keep assuming the worst if you don't let me talk, baby-girl. I know my track record is pretty fucking bad, but hasn't me not killing anyone proved to you that maybe I really am trying to change? I need you to calm down and hear me out."

[Pointing a katana at her might not be the best way to achieve this]  
(Yeah.)  
'Tough love!' 

Patricia kept her glare strong as she wiped her tears, trying to control her breathing because the deep inhales were starting to hurt pretty bad. Now that the adrenaline was wearing down, she was sure she probably had a cracked rib. Or three. 

"Fine! Just speak." 

She tried to sound intimidating, but her voice wavered too much. 

Wanda lowered the katana, but kept it out just in case Spidey decided to try and jump her again. 

"Okay, listen, after the huge explosion- which I totally saved you from by the way! I was missing this huge chunk in my back! Seriously, talk about bleeding profusely! I looked like someone was gonna turn me into a canoe! Just bring me out on the water, grab a paddle an-"

"I get it!"

"Alright! Just trying to paint the scene, but whatever. your mask was in pieces, it was burned all over and your face was totally, like, exposed and stuff. And believe me! I had my eyes close because I'm like 'no way, I respect Spidey too much for this!' But then the only goon that had lived was laying right beside us was all shocked and practically screamed 'Patricia Parker!' and then babbled on about high school and I'm sorry, I had to see who said it and well- uh, I saw your face! And might I say what a nice face at that, who knew the girl I've been flirting with was actually super adorable. All my offers are up by double, just so you kno-..."

The look on Patricia's face told her to stop and so she caught herself. 

"Anyway, you were unconscious for a long time! Like, I got worried. So after changing outfits at my place. I thought, well, since I know her identity anyway I might as well take her back to her apartment because she sure won't want to be stuck at my place healing!- Oh, the guy by the way, I /didn't/ kill him. But I did hit him in the head enough times that he shouldn't remember anything" 

Not receiving the praise she was expecting for not killing someone who /knew/ Patricia's secret identity was a bit disappointing. She was sure she was gonna win some brownie points for following the "there's-always-another-way" rule Spidey set up. 

On the other hand, she still looked really shaken up. Examining her face now, she pondered how old she even was. Fresh out of high school? College? It was ambiguous but still young looking. This wasn't how she should have gone about this, while she might be used to these kind of 'shocking plot twists', Spidey had only been a hero for about three years now. This was likely her first ever super-secret-identity-mishap-trope to happen to her. 

A rare sigh escaped the Merc's mouth as she put away her katana. Her voice dropped an octave- taking on a serious tone that was usually reserved for emergencies or The agency's karaoke night's. 

"I'm sorry," She began "I know I probably made the wrong choice. But I also didn't want to hide the fact I knew now. " 

Wanda knelt on the ground in front of Patricia. Placing her hand over her heart and the other in the air.

"I swear I won't reveal your secret identity to anyone! Not even if they decided to torture me for a hundred years or offered me hundreds of billions of dollars! I'd kick their ass, alright? I'll be total protagonist materiel, giving friendship speeches and all that jazz." 

She gave a thumbs up, trying to seem as genuine as possible. 

Patricia, only now starting to calm down from the anxiety fueled outburst tried to find her more reasonable self- Wanda was only doing what she thought would be the best for her. The intentions were good and she hadn't given her any reason to doubt her since she got in town. The avengers hadn't said anything negative about her recently either. 

This was a risk even so, though. She hadn't known Deadpool that much before this. They just had random run in's on occasion- and even then, some of them ended with her /fighting/ Wanda! She was unpredictable. 

But, more so than anyone, she was a firm believer in second chances and that people can become different. Wanda had been working hard at everything she did with her. She saved her life today! She shielded her from an actual explosion! 

Patricia sighed, it's not like she could really do anything against it now. Wanda knew and that was that. The only thing she could do was hope- no, pray for the best. 

"...Sorry for punching you." 

Wanda waved the comment aside as she stood up, offering spidey her hand. 

"No worries, not like I haven't been punched by you before!" 

Patricia took her hand and Wanda helped her get settled back on the couch. Her body was pretty beat up and after the near anxiety attack she was mentally exhausted as well. 

Wanda interpreted her yawn as the official sign to get out of there, she had caused enough stress for one day.

"Well, it's been fun Spidey-gal. Now that I know where you live, you can totally expect to see me twice as often. No worries, I'll be discreet and shit. You have fun healing up! Byyyyeeeeeee!~" 

She got one foot out the window before Patricia called after her, Wanda turned her head and was met with a bright, smiling 20-something year old brunette. 

"Thanks." 

[Ah! Our heart!]  
(Doki doki.)  
'I can already see the cherry blossoms, speaking of that Weas still has my copy of Ohshc!'  
[Noted, we gotta get that back]  
(Wait, how did the opening go again?)  
"Kiss kiss, fall in love!- oh, I mean, no problem. Catch you later, spider-babe!" 

And with that, Wanda made her way out the window and Patricia was left alone in her now very quiet apartment. She gently laid herself down since walking to her bed was out of the question right now. Her healing was accelerated, but no where near Deadpool's or Wolverine's. It would take a couple days for her to get back in peak fighting condition.  
As she looked toward her window again, she grimaced at the thought of Wanda showing up in her personal home (Most likely without permission or warning). Ah well, at least if she was able to keep some sort of eye on her this might not end too horribly.  
After sending Gwen a 'Got home safe, barely.' text, she let herself finally try to find some sort of sleep.  
The next few months sure were going to be something else.


	2. Not the best morning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Deadpool can be a substitute for a cup of coffee.  
> Note: Not recommended.  
> -1/10 Would rather go to Starbucks.

The sounds of cabinets and drawers opening in the kitchen was an unmistakable noise, mostly because the kitchen shared a common wall with her bedroom, making it obvious even if you tried to be quiet and it was easy to tell this person wasn't. Patricia opened her eyes slowly- trying to adjust to the darkness of her bedroom. The only light coming from her phone charger and it wasn't doing much to help.

It was a real good thing she was a (secret!) superhero or else this situation could be a lot more terrifying. Moving silently off her bed with stealth skills that could make Black Cat jealous, she stalked quietly across her room to her desk; grabbing an over sized shirt that would allow her to maintain her modesty in case she needed to kick some serious ass. The lack of Spider-sense told her that there wasn't malicious intent, so a robbery could be the only option here. Hoo boy, did they luck out in that department when picking the shittiest complex this side of Manhattan. Lucking out even more when picking her as a home invasion target.  
However, as she snuck out of her room ready to give this robber a very nice talking to that may have involved some well planned quips and a few punches, the light of the fridge illuminated a familiar frame. Clad in a hoodie that held a symbol of the mask she currently wore made the I.D of the intruder painfully obvious.

 

That, and the fact she was literally humming 'Anaconda' while raiding her fridge like it was her own.

Que the only time in her life she wished there was a burglar in her kitchen.  
Patricia didn't even bother rolling her eyes, at least this explained why her spider-sense didn't go off, even though it really should have. She placed her hands on her hips, staring at the unwelcomed house guest.

"Okay, 3 three things," She started; keeping her voice collected.

Wanda's humming stopped as she turned her head, her hands still impatiently rummaging around in the fridge.

"1. I know common social constructs are probably at a lost to you, so let this be your first lesson from Ms. Parker. -" She looked down at her phone, a sigh rolling off her lips. "4:15 am is not on the 'normal visitation hours' list no matter where you are. 2. I'd say stealing food from a poor college student is just as bad as stealing from a baby, but seeing as I've literally witnessed you taking candy from a child before, I'll spare you the morale lecture 3. Please, leave."

Deadpool's hand finally found what she was looking for as she pulled out an apple; closing the fridge with her foot. She lifted her mask up to her nose and took a bite, but not before laughing.

"First off, can I seriously call you Ms.Parker? School girl fantasies are the bees knees, you can teach me whatever life lessons you want. 2. I actually just put food in your fridge because there was, like, nothing when I came by earlier and that was one time! I love kids! 3. How are we supposed to be bffsies if you keep trying to send me home? Plus I can't sleep, I just ate like a whole box of twinkies."

Ugh. Not even a minute into their banter and she could already sense the hopelessness of the situation. She vaguely wondered if she could get a restraining order against Deadpool, but if Wanda had no qualms about breaking into her house she doubted it would be anything besides a useless piece of paper.

"No. Uh..thanks? I'm going to ignore the fact this is the second time you've been in my place of residence tonight and we're not bffsies. I don't care what sugary snacks you've eaten, unlike you, I have work today and do not need," Patricia waved her arms and gestured toward Wanda "this."

"Hey! I have work too." Wanda protested, one hand on her hip. "I mean, my works a lot more fun and I get paid in extremely high sums of money, so none of that teeny-bopper stress you have to go through." Her demeanor changed as she walked forward, from annoyed to curious. "But," She added, thoughtfully "while we're on this topic, where do you work? I've been a good girl and haven't googled your name or anything! But the answers been killing me. What is Spidey's day job when she's not out savin' the city from this weeks D-listed villain."

Patricia's stare was unwavering.

"You just broke into my apartment- I repeat, _broke into my apartment_ , do you really think I'm going to answer that?"

Wanda shrugged, turning the lights on since the homes only occupant was out and about now.

"I could always just follow you, I thought maybe you'd prefer this option. Is it at a coffee shop? I could see this fanfiction going that route."

"No? What?" Knowing better than to engage, Patricia walked to the couch to sit down; still far too tired for this. "Look, I work part-time taking photographs for a news paper and then I intern at Stark industries."

"No way! Working at Stark Towers? While all of the Avenger crew is pining after your identity? That's fucking hilarious! To think they keep trying to get it out of me! When you're literally right there! Hahaha!" Wanda started cackling; the situation apparently hilarious enough that she felt the need to roll on the floor, the half eaten apple discard without a care. The ding of her phone took Patricia's attention away from the display.

'New imessage from Gwen Stacy'

 

Entering her password she read the message.

'Good morning! I had to get up early for the microbio-program at NYU. I was listening on my fathers police scanner and there was a string of robberies earlier this morning near that old shopping distract on 22nd. Maybe you should check it out? Be careful.'

The only person to know her identity beside the grown woman that was still rolling on her floor, was her ex girlfriend. Patricia broke it off when trying to balance a love life became too difficult and she couldn't put Gwen through it anymore. Gwen was more than understanding, which was probably why they were still such good friends. Though, she had a bad habit of trying to get into her super-life and would usually send her tips. No matter how much she advised against it, in the end, she knew she couldn't control Gwen- Hero or not!

As much as she hated to admit it, it'd be good to have backup for this in case anything happened. That and she also didn't want Wanda alone in her apartment. She clicked her tongue, stretching as she got off the couch she had just gotten mild comfortable on.

"Can you shut up for, like, two seconds? Listen, I have to check out 22nd street...." She paused, really questioning her choices in life."Do you want to go on patrol with me?"

Wanda bounced off the floor, stripping off the casual clothes she had put on over her suit in such a speedy manner Patricia was sure some law of physics was broken.

"Spidey and Deadpool teaming up! Twice in two weeks! Voted Marvel's number one duo, we're sure to boost comic sales once again!"

Again, Patricia didn't engage when she got too weird. She left Wanda to her own devices while she quickly brushed her teeth and put her hair into a small pony tail. She slipped on her web shooters before putting on her costume, keeping her mask in hand as she walked back out in the living room, only to find it empty.

"..Deadpool?"

Did Wanda really leave her? Right when she actually needed her? It would not surprise her one bit. She still hadn't forgotten the time she was literally stuck to a roof and /instead/ of helping her, Wanda had just decided to take her web shooters out for a test drive. Fun times.

She shook her head, putting her mask on before climbing out the window. The sound of Wanda's voice rang from the roof as she called out to her. Loud.

"Too slow, Spidey!"

What part of secret identity and civilian life did she not understand?!

Patricia made her way up to the roof in record time; resisting the urge to kick Wanda in the face.

"Shut up!" She hissed. "What if someone hears you? I don't need Spider-women being spotted in front of /my/ window." She scolded and Wanda clamped a hand over her mouth in feign surprise before removing it just as quickly.

"Oh shit. Whoops! Won't happen again, I swear on...See, I was going to say 'my life' but thinking on it that's a pretty bad thing to swear on seeing as I don't really DIE. permanently, anyway. Maybe I should swear on Beyonce's life? She might never die permanently too, though. Have you heard Flawless? That baby is going to be on the charts forEVER, man. Mayb-"

"I believe you just- just stop. It's too early for this." Patricia mumbled; dragging a hand down her face.

"Is it too early or too late? We're in that twilight zone kind of hour, you know? Still dark. Says night-time but it's actually day-time without the stinging brightness of the sun's rays. Man, speaking about the sun did you see those pictures of Pluto? Aren't you a nerd? I bet you totally geeked out at those all like-" Wanda placed her hands on her cheeks in a faux-fangirl like manner, bringing the tone of her voice up a couple pitches to imitate Patricia's.

"Look! [Insert the name of one of your friends here. If you even have any.] The power of human innovation! Nerding! Geek talk! Something about Doc Richards or Pym or another lame science-y person."

Patricia pressed the heel's of her palm's into her eyes and questioned what she had done to deserve this. Maybe this was payback for all the annoyance she caused when working with others. Maybe this was her punishment for never shutting up. She was sure Magoo was yucking it up somewhere.

"One more word- One more and I'm leaving you here!" Wanda lifted her finger and Patricia pointed at her accusingly, her voice dropping low.

"One. More. Word." Wanda made a noise of defeat; shoulders slumping. Patricia pinched the bridge of her nose through the mask; exhaling slowly.

"Alright, get on." She allowed Wanda to climb on her back, but not without warning her about the consequences if she made any unnecessary comments.

"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed." Wanda grumbled into her ear as they began swinging and Patricia's groan echoed throughout the not-so quite streets of the city.

-

It didn't take them long to reach their destination and she was thankful for that because Wanda had already forgotten about the no talking arrangement and was going on about some Taco stand on the other side of Manhattan that had the best cilantro.

Wanda had climbed off of her and on the roof top of the building as Patricia peered over the ledge. It seemed clear. Not even the cops were there. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously through her mask and dropped from the roof to the alley down below. Wanda followed after her, Katanas drawn.

"Sure this is the place, Spidey?" Wanda questioned from behind her.

Patricia moved carefully down the alley as she nodded, she could feel the faint buzzing in the back of her neck.

" There's defiantly somethi-" The buzz turned into a jolt and she ducked instinctively as a punch was thrown at her. Suddenly there was a person on her right; coming from seemingly no where. She jumped backed; right into Wanda, causing both of them to fall on the ground. Quickly, they were surrounded by a group of what looked no more like young teens. Caught up in the examination of the kids and their possible ages, she forgot that she was on top of Wanda who had propped herself up on her elbows.

"Nows not the time to be fallin' for me, Sweetums." Wanda mumbled, breaking Patricia from the trance and she quickly moved to get up.

"Ugh, that was bad even for you," As they both stood; none of the kids made a move to attack.In fact, they weren't doing much of anything. Just standing in a circle and staring at them. There was something wrong. Wanda had taken notice too as she leaned closer to Patricia

"Looks like brainwashing 101, Spidey. Probably waiting for orders or a leader or-" There was a laugh from the next roof over as a man in a lab coat stood with one foot on the ledge.

"Evil scientist?" Patricia questioned and Wanda nodded. "That works too."

"Spider-Women!" He called out in the bellowing tone of voice that screamed 'The contempt and hatred I have for you will lead me to want to achieve your ultimate demise.' and Patricia groaned. It was too early for this. Who even was this guy? No one she recognized.

"Bet you thought you saw the last of me!" Oh. Maybe she did know? She squinted her eyes through the mask.

"Are you sure you have the right hero? Because I-" she was interrupted by Wanda, who had wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pointed up at the man with her Katana.

"It's the fucker from last week!" Oh. OH. Maybe she did hit her hear too hard during that explosion. She weaseled her way out of Wanda grip before continuing.

"Gotcha! Doc..." She snapped her fingers in rapid succession as if doing so would recover his name from her memory. "Doc....uh.." The man looked dejected and she turned to Wanda for help but the other just shrugged. "Uh- Whatever! Why don't you leave the pre-teen brainwashing to daytime television and marketing scams?!"

"And Goosebumps!" Wanda felt the need to add and Patricia looked her over shoulder.

"Dude, R.L Stine doesn't brain wash."

"The cover of Shocker on shock street had me terrified of mantis's for 3 years- that had to be brain washing."

"Wow, you're more of a loser than previously thought."

"Have you fought giant mantis's, Spidey?! Is that a no because all your rouges are so low on the villains-list that giant bugs wouldn't even attempt to try and give you a real threat."

"Big talk coming from the girl who ripped off my suit and 'hero-with-a-mouth' gimmick." She heard Wanda exhale loudly out of her nose in disbeilf.

"Wanna get into _that_ right now? What are you? Like, twelve? I was wearing this suit and mouthing people off while you were still asking your mommy which color ribbons you wanted to tie your fucking pigtails up with, Baby-girl. " Patricia let out a single, harsh laugh.

"Really?! Because last time _I_ checked I've never been called 'Deadpool 2' while someone is wearing your mask on their T-shirt."

"My marketing team is working **VERY** hard on-"

"Doctor Conundrum!" The man shouted from the roof.

"What!?" The girls had shouted in unison, turning their attention back to this months next top wanna-be super-villain.

"That's my name. Doctor Conundrum."

Wanda and Patricia stopped their arguing to share a look.

"Whoa, lame. See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. The X-men don't even get guys like this- and they have Magnerdo! Mag-NERD-o, Spidey!"

"Why did I even invite you?! I-" The sound of the so called 'Doctor conundrum' foot taping loudly on the roof stopped her mid-sentence and the kids suddenly looked not-so stoically brain controlled and lot more 'We're going to kick your ass' brain-controlled.

"We'll argue later, agreed?" Patricia said; changing her stance to an offensive one.

"Seeing as I already can't live down being beaten up by Squirrel-girl, I don't really want to add 12 year olds to that list. So, agreed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo! Second Chap finally up! Who doesn't love relationships starting out a little rocky, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all feedback is appreciated!


End file.
